The shopping trip that should never have been....

oh brother what a disaster. (Warning - this is a long whining venting post about yesterday's shopping trip.)

OK, so she's not taking the new 1BR apartment, so we really didn't need to shop. But, we had talked about it a lot, and I thought, let's have an outing to get her out of there, and why not Nebraska Furniture Mart? Then when she DOES get offered a lakeview apartment, I can just go select her preferences without her having to come. She said she'd really like to go, so off we went.

One other background thing - with her permission, I had ordered and brought over the pink flowery bedspread? She kept saying she just didn't know how it would look, so that's why she didn't want it. I figured, with her eyes maybe she just needs to see it in person. She agreed. So, it arrived and I brought it over for her to look at and think about on Friday.

So we pick her up about 1:30 in the afternoon on Saturday. Drive to NFM.

First we go to the desks. Nothing really seems to make her happy. But not unhappy either. And then she snappily says she does NOT want to get anything today. Period.

OK, so that's decided. OK, well, not decided.

Time to go to look at what beds are available. On our (slow, shuffling) way through the cavernous store, she told me she wanted me to send back the bedspread. "I know I've told you all about the pink cabbage roses, but I like my plain blue blanket. It's simple. It's what I know." (Then later, she says something about how she DOESN'T know if she wants it or not).

Something in me just snapped. Just a bit.

Then we walked around the beds and it was CLEAR, absolutely CLEAR, that there was nothing she was interested in seeing. She didn't want a bedstead with a footboard because it's not what she has always had. She made mocking comments about them. Expensive. Fancy. too light, too dark. or mostly she just walked by them, unseeing. And, I had lost patience inside, though I was trying to stay positive. I just didn't have it in me to alter the mood, and she wasn't about to be altered anyway.

Somewhere while we walked around the beds, it really really snapped. I was ready to walk away and drive home without her. (Please know I never would...)

Anyway... my own internal life-lessons:

1) don't go on a shopping outing unless there is a immediate need. A 'have to'.
2) if we go on a shopping outing, bring water. (She had an "I need water NOW" episode in the middle of the beds.)
3) her room is HER room. If she wants to trash it with heaps of 'used-once' clothes, let her. if she wants a threadbare blanket, let her. etc etc
3a) (but... to #3) But if I WANT to fix up her room, why not? She highly praised these other women's daughters who came in and fixed up their rooms carte blanche. if that's so wonderful for them, why shouldn't I? Maybe she'd end up loving it.
4) if she doesn't want a pretty bed (nice headboard, footboard), why should I care? It's not like we have people lining up to get it when she dies. Full beds aren't big on anyone's wish list.
4a) (but... to #4) But if I WANT to see a nice bedframe, etc, as I care for her, why not? There are loads of nice bedframes on sale that would really make her room look FINISHED. To look like a adult's home instead of a dorm room. Or a 7-year-old's room.

I wonder how much of this attitude of 'oh that's good enough' is actually due to a sense of waiting to die? Why bother getting a bedspread if I'm just waiting to die. On the other hand - maybe that is a normal and even healthy and appropriate phase as one nears death. Acceptance. I don't know anymore. And it doesn't really matter. And maybe it's the comfort of seeing things that are familiar. I think I should bring back the white nubby bedspread, or, the orange/green bedspread when she gets her full bed - that will let her feel comfortable and 'at home'.

Anyway, we got water, we drove homeward in annoyed semi-silence. (She had said something to recognize that she was a pill; I said something that we'll get through it, I just want to help you, blah blah blah). We stopped at the store for some items then brought her home in good time for dinner (5PM).

Good news - she did a lot of walking around and no incontinence incidents. No close calls even. Not even any potty breaks (another source of annoyance to me - we were by a bathroom and she wouldn't go 'just in case', even after her history of diarrhea incidents - sounds like a 3-year-old, eh?). And, I put out her meds yesterday so I don't have to come by today. And, the cable/internet comes by today so she can get better service and simpler email. Another good thing - she said she never gets hungry now, like she used to in BV. She recognized that she used to snack all day long, but here (with real meals) she never thinks about snacking.

Enough already. Will this ever get better?