Most of us welcome the chance to enjoy another year of life. We try to eat well, visit the doctor as needed, we exercise and fight for life. We take our vitamins. We greet our anniversaries with relief to have survived, and hope for another year. We resolve to do even better next year.
But, when someone is 91 years old and in lousy health, it's just not so fun anymore. She can't walk more than 10 steps (with her walker) without resting. She naps at least three times a day.
When I visited Mom today, she felt defeated and depressed. She has been hearing about Christmas on the television, and sees the oncoming holiday as a marking of yet another year when she has failed to die. She is weary, just bone-weary. Weary of life, weary of each day, each hour. Weary of the effort. And another holiday mocks her, reminds her of even more time passing as she yearns for her own end.
She said she figured out how she could speed her demise .... by not using her oxygen. She decided not to do that, but she thought about it. (Ethically - is that suicide? Or is it merely allowing a natural process to play out, while not availing herself of all possible remedies? I wonder.)
I found that she had done some water-colors over the last week. She had used the cheap brushes, not the treasured old brushes she's had for years (the ones she clutched to her heart in gratitude, nearly weeping with joy, when I brought them back to her). I asked why she wasn't using her good brushes, and she said it was just too much effort. So she's using cheap WalMart brushes instead of reaching eight inches to open a plastic bag with some beautiful camel-hair brushes... just out of tiredness.
She and I hugged for a long time, a long and strong hug, her clutching me and clinging in desperation. In sadness.
As I said goodbye, I wondered whether this was the last time I'd see her alive. I wonder.
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2 comments:
Did you go through a period when she was angry about declining? That's where my mom is. She takes off her oxygen because she's angry about having to use it. Ignores her blood sugar readings in an act of defiance. Like you, I wonder if each time I see her will be the last, even as she is determined to live another decade (but not do the things required to live a good life).
Robin: Interesting... I'm sorry you are struggling with this too.
Actually, my father was the chronically angry one - diabetic with heart disease. He refused to make adjustments ... and died at age 72 of massive heart attack.
My mother is now (and has always been) the passive one. In some ways, she has almost reacted to some of these treatments with some delight, as she could get some sympathy and it meant she was a step closer to the death she wants. I remember when her doctor diagnosed her (incorrectly, I think) with 'dementia' - she went around her home laughingly telling virtual strangers about it! (which, of course, seems to be nearly the definition of dementia...).
My mother pretty much ignores her blood sugar readings (often in mid-200s). "Better high than low" she always says, since very low blood sugar risks immediate damage. In some ways, I don't completely disagree since, at 91, why not enjoy a FEW indulgences? It's just the fear of amputation that haunts me...
I'm sorry your mom is so angry. Thank you so much for your comments, Robin. It means a lot to me to hear back on my posts!
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