No.
It's like when you're planning a vacation. You know you're not THERE yet, the departure is some time in the future, but it's nice to look at websites or travel books to imagine what you'll see and where you'll go. It's part of the pleasure of the adventure, that anticipation factor. Do a little shopping, get your passport in order. It brings a measure of fun to the days now when in fact life is filled with the routine of life.
So, in today-time, I'm fully here for my mother. I visit every day. I don't push her aside for my next adventure. But while I'm doing that, I'm also planning and hoping for my next adventure in life - a move, perhaps to South America. Or Italy. A new life. Retirement. A very very different life.
Am I less committed to my mother? No, not at all. I will be here for her until her end. And if you've read earlier posts, you know that she is more eager for her own end than anyone else. That makes me a little less guilty, perhaps.
But I'm still planning for ... after. After. After her death. After her estate is settled. After her apartment is cleared and I am not needed by her. After.
I had an interesting exchange in another blog, Kickboxing In A Wonderbra, about this subject. It's really not about running away from anything, but about running toward my next adventure, the next (risky, thrilling, challenging, frightening-but-rewarding) adventure. A simplification of my life, a moving toward community and volunteer opportunities and a much much quieter life. Less insulated, less choked by layers and layers of possessions. Like the delicious feeling the breeze on one's skin for the first time in springtime - more alive, more connected.
But since such a drastic change - the After - a move out of the country perhaps - requires a great deal of work, I admit to spending considerable time now preparing our house for sale. Getting rid of box after box of books, stuff, getting ready for a mega-garage-sale. Painting walls, upgrading faucets. Handing over family heirlooms and ancestry artifacts to the next generation. Planning how to handle furniture and paintings and a lifetime of photographs. Figuring out how to reduce our big, noisy, fully-stuffed life down to a few suitcases. Walking away from the big footprint of our lives here. Walking away.
And it strongly occurs to me that I am greatly reducing the footprint of my own life, just as I observed about my mother's life as I began this blog three years ago. Am I disappearing? No, I am creating an essence of what is really important, and immersing myself in that. Choosing the fullest life possible.
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2 comments:
Hi Nancy! You are so wise to plan for after now. It can be so hard to know how to live life after caregiving--to dream and plan now is really smart. I'm glad to learn about your blog. I also wonder if you'd like to participate in our blog party? It's a nice way to meet other family caregivers.
Glad to connect!
Really, really beautiful blog post, Nancy. You touched on so many issues without even labeling them: caregiver guilt, feelings of disloyalty. I'm glad to see you taking the attitude that looking ahead toward that time when your mother will be gone is not at all disloyal -- it's actually healthy. You have really helped me put things in perspective on this issue, and I'm so grateful. Maybe I will see you in South America in a few years!
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