Dream of death

Yesterday, Mom called and said she had a disturbing dream, of her own death.

What was interesting to me is that the part that was so very upsetting to her is the fact that, in her dream, they were trying to resuscitate her in spite of her having a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in her purse.  She kept trying to tell them about her DNR and they didn't believe her. And then she was concerned that her pacemaker would keep her 'alive' against her wishes.

She's really ready to die.  She is weaker each day, napping after breakfast, after lunch, and going early to bed.  She's quite coherent, alert, interactive ... just tired of all this.

More from book Another Country by Mary Pipher

I have this amazing book about understanding the older generation.  I've mentioned it before here  - my sister loaned it to me and I've been reading it in spurts.  It has been a real boon to me, to understand both my own mother better and to help me manage my own reaction to her and her needs.  It also helps me understand the aging process so that I can avoid some problems.

The book talks about the 'young-old' vs 'old-old'.  Often the difference is one's health - the 'old-old' have health issues make it more difficult to live well.  In fact, this has inspired me and my husband to make some improvements in our own health. I'm almost 60, he's almost 65, and our progress so far is slow but sure.

Here are some blurbs that grabbed me, from Chapter 5.  I'm sharing them, not as complete thoughts, but as teasers.  Such as:

• 'The old-old die by inches'. 
• Caregivers alternate between guilt and rage. 
• Baggage from past affects relationships as parents age. Clashing needs.
• Caretakers live with fear about making wrong decision in life/death matters, especially when factors influencing the decision are so nebulous. 
• 'I'm guilty wherever I am' syndrome. (If I'm with my mother, I'm guilty I'm not doing other needed things, and vice versa.)
• Delicately balanced relationships can topple under the weight of caring for elders. (I started noting page numbers - this was p134)
• Crises with eldercare make everyone more who they really are, removing the filters and faux fronts. (p134)
• 'I love my father but I don't like him.' (p135)
• We may see ourselves as children - scared vulnerable.  (p137)
• Unpleasant memories don't disappear just because a parent is ill and dependent.  (p139)
• p149
• Yeats quote:  "Growing old is like being tied to a dying animal." (p164)
• Disaster stories tell us what humans do when they are shoved hard against the wall.  Old age is our own personal disaster story, our own worst-case scenario.  Each of us will experience our ship going down; we'll experience being lost and alone and far from home.  (p188)

There's loads more good reading the book, but those are a few that I made a note of.  I am eager to finish what's left of the book. I so highly recommend it.    

Change, routine and an adventure

Honestly, there is not much to mention, but I'll enter an update anyway.

My mother's hospice nurse died quite suddenly.  She had a fall, then didn't improve and after a body scan of some type, they found cancer "everywhere".  She died within a week or so.  Shocking.  A realization of how quickly one's death can come.  We liked Margaret a lot - she was a little rough in her voice and manner but really funny and likable.

My mother's health itself remains mostly static, though the new nurse told me that her congestive heart failure (CHF) is advancing.  There is some way of scoring it based on the size of the heart - it used to be in the 170s and now is in the 280s (or, it used to be in the 200s and now is in the 300s?).  Anyway, a decline. She seems the same mostly, just more tired.  The new nurse Connie said that in cases like this, she could go on for a time, or, could just not wake up one morning.  She's not feeling a need for oxygen, though, so it may not be too awfully bad.  Connie said that when her appetite decreases, it may be that the body's need for oxygen may prioritize the heart and brain and reduce available resources for digestion, hence a lack of appetite.  But, so far Mom is eating well so we'll just watch for that.

And my brother visited last weekend.  His granddaughter had a soccer game, and Bob invited Mom to go.  She said no, she didn't feel like it.  I got on the phone and shamed her into it - how much her great-granddaughter would like to see both her and her own grandfather watch her play.  That if she didn't go, Bob wasn't going to go, thus a double-loss. Finally she relented - and had a wonderful time.  She brought stacks of covers to keep her warm, and Bob had to help her in the bathroom, but she made it - and loved it!  She was glowing.

Other than that, routine prevails.  Almost-daily visits.  Change the toilet paper roll, buy orange juice.  Look for this or that.  Clip fingernails. Asking about her neighbors there. Clean the sink.  Just spend some time together, gazing and holding hands.